This is NOT me falling, this is me on my bathroom floor. I DID fall this week though, on top of everything else! Wulf said it was inevitable, and it will happen again.
I had a full-out meltdown today, collapsing on the bathroom floor crying, over a $200 bill from a collector. It's not that I Couldn't have paid the bill before the collector, it was just confusing...my dad had paid it, they had refunded him, I paid what I thought was all of it, now this...also with the mail was 4 boxes full of my stuff from my office from work. Guess I'm not allowed back to even clean out my own office? I don't get it. No goodbyes even, then. There's some people I'll really miss.
I'm not a good catch of a girlfriend, at least not right now. Before I got hit I had a high amount of debt, a kid, and an anal personality. I was always Awesome and always ME, but l feel the older we get, the more skeletons we have, it's inevitable. Especially me it seems. Now I've been broken, and I'm weak still, and my electrical wiring is messed up. Part of recovering is forgetting who you were before and going on with something new, and that is so sad. I am sometimes so sad. I'm not who I was before and I never will be (none of us are), there is too too much now. I'm the Catch-22 of happiness and freedom-loving vs realistic responsibility. Sucks.
ALL this because of this stupid unlicensed irresponsible driver that hit me, and he's still out there, and probably nothing will ever happen to him, and I Lost Everything.
There is a girl I know from mutual friends on Facebook that I have always been very friendly with. She was in Oklahoma when the tornado hit, and at the last minute did what probably saved her and her baby's life by getting out of the bathtub and driving away from the storm. Awesome. Wolf Blitzer interviewed her, and at the very end she tells him she's an atheist. This sparked a BIG following for her, and she got a lot of donations over the atheist comment. This is NOT saying that she doesn't deserve it, and I will shut down any religious debate, and she even said she's donating the excess to Red Cross. But man, I'm lying on the floor crashing and thinking about that and how hard I try and how far I just don't get. And how everything s random and everything is Chaos and nothing is ever for certain or fair, it's all the luck of the draw. There's a tire place here that has a sign out saying "jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius." My mediocrity is showing something fierce. HA, I'm so blatant here!
So there I am, lying on the bathroom floor, sobbing. Hold that a sec.
In the hospital, my first roommate was a fiery little loudmouth with Lupus, super cute. My second was an older lady name Mrs. G, who was there from not realizing she had broke her back a few months earlier, and was spending some time healing. Mrs. G always told me how strong and persistent I was. She had gone to the hospital on the same day as her husband, he was feeling weak, in 2 separate ambulances. She spoke with her husband frequently, Mr. Percy, and told me of their rich life together. She was able to go visit him, and he seemed always in good spirits when they were on the phone. I wanted to meet him too. She was smart and funny and had wonderful friends and family and children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, all sweet and full of character. I used to joke that I was going to name my next kid "Persistence" and call him Percy for short. She loved it, and always told her visitors that I had said that, and they always got a huge kick out of it.
Mr. Percy died, fairly unexpectedly. I hugged Mrs. G and cried with her, but what can I say? They were married for over half a century, longer than I had been alive, and she barely knew me. Mrs. G left the next day. That last night I spent with her was the hardest night of my entire stay in the hospital. And it was because of someone else's pain.
Back on the bathroom floor. Persistence is something I can't control. Sometimes it gets me through A Lot, I can ride it, it makes me feel strong and more alive than I ever could without it. But there on the floor, I was it's slave. It hurt. I hated it. Remember, this same "great" quality also kept me in an abusive relationship...things Will get better. Fuck Fuck Fuck persistence. I wanted to lie there better that I died to be remembered as strong then seen this broken and felt sorry for forever but there's that kid watching TV out there. I slooowwwlllly stand up I was burdened by all these money issues even Before these extra ones and now I'm even applying for food stamps but that's just the up-front price to the amount of money I'm determined to make with my new business and whatever else I find. Standing up was fire, my body, my mind, my soul, all burning at once, the worst agony, not even knowing why I was putting myself through it. I'm not speaking a metaphor, everything was painful. Standing up is hard, harder than it should ever be, I even still have to use a cane. So much easier to be sad and not have to be responsible. I'm a burden on everyone around me, someone to feel "sorry" for I don't even need to rely on anyone anymore.
So, I don't get it. My persistence isn't even always rational. But, I was suddenly me again and not the whispers anymore. Is it worth all the pain? That's a question that doesn't matter, I can't control it. But, I'm freer now, and with a better chance of being the free spirit that I missed about myself for Years working so much, and everything everything else. The money will come, freedom will come, running again will come. It's already on it's way.
BUT, after all this, if I'm in a position where I won't be able to take care of myself again, I don't want it. We all should deal with what we have to, but I don't want to claw my way back to be knocked down again to being dependent. Please, if you see that, don't let me be there.
I'm a bit faster, I can feel a bit more, and I have a business plan. Rockin way to start the weekend. Have a good one!
