Sunrises and Acronyms

It's been an up-and-down week. I got to see some old friends last weekend. I got sick. I can totally shake hands on a regular basis now. I was told to by my therapist to consider skiing because I can still compete and I have a better chance at doing that than run again. My hand's strong enough that I'm moving to the "next level" (does not mean it's strong) which takes a lot of focusing on my wrist not flexing as I do things. Even though I don't have a brain injury my muscles have to relearn how to work again, and this takes a lot of concentration. So hold me to that handshake because this new step is going to make it harder for me to do.

So a draw up until now, but good triumphs over bad this week as a few positive things got done. Tuesday I talked to the UL KPA (UL Kinesiology Professionals Association) which was fun. Wulf finally broke down and gave me a Helping Hands shirt to wear when I give talks, etc, ha! Also this week was another productive meeting of the LCG MPO Bicycling Subcommittee, and I turned in Lafayette's LAB BFC application. It's been a good week for bikes. And for me.

Well, actually, that's a lie.
It's been a hard week for me. I started writing this last night, but this morning I'm bringing myself back to the fact I promised to be honest in this blog to be fair to other people with spinal cord injuries, and to be fair to myself. I've been really sad this week. Being told by the person I trust most that I really may not be able to run again hurts. I dream about running every night now. Just that moment when I just get it...but it's not just about running. It's really about ever being able to feel my body move properly again. I'm MUCH better, I can feel temperature and wind and things can feel good again, but I miss fluidity of movement. I miss that quiet time when you're still but alert, poised and ready, about to spring into action and everything is smooth. I miss Shotokan and cycling so fast and the even rhythms of life. Everything is always pulling, my body is never completely relaxed. To me, being told I may never run again really means that my body will never relax again. I hate it. I don't want to live this way.

But yeah, persistence. Like I described in the post a while back Friday Update, and Mr. Percy (I can't read it again right now, it's not far enough in my past yet) sometimes I really hate it, but I can't stop moving forward. Whether I like it or not, I have this little nagging drive, this little bit of a thought that keeps repeating that things will get better, they have to, there's no other way. I don't know what's the big deal about it or where I'm headed to. I have a friend that is just starting a life again after successfully navigating a ridiculous amount of struggle, trust me it was a ton, and yesterday when I asked him how he was, he answered - I'm making it. The usual profound battle against all odds that somewhat lacks aim. That small statement had me thinking all night. Maybe not in the same context but yeah I get it. I don't know what I'll be able to do with my life, where my relationship is going, how I'm finally going to manage to be stable and happy again. I don't know what the point is of walking races if I won't be able to run them again. What do you do, give up? I don't even know how to do that - I'm not kidding, I don't know what that entails.

I had Snakebyte take a picture of the sunrise whilst driving today. I'm a total sucker for beautiful mornings.

The sunrise got me thinking. The thing about it is, the sun, Sol, is a massive amount of power and energy. More than we can consciously comprehend. But at the dawn of every new day there's still darkness and shadows everywhere and you can't necessarily see all that is around you. Still, the sun doesn't care, it continues to rise and grow in strength in the sky, it's persistent, there's no other way - there WILL be a morning. As it progresses the world becomes clearer, and all that power and light that is you has such a profound effect on life in ways you can't even guess at.

So, ever onward. I'm going to run again. I'm scared. I'm scared that telling you I'm going to do this makes me a target for failure, and I'm more likely to turn out as a sad story of someone who tried so hard and never did it, instead of the "inspiration" the world seems to want me to be. So fucking scared. I have no idea how to accomplish it. But I promised to always be honest and that's where I am.