Summer Rain...Happy Birthday BONO!!

The purpose of this post is to hopefully show a great comeback from rock bottom, because that's where I am right now. The low point in my 35 years is now. I've survived an abusive marriage and a ton of money problems, and I gotta believe I'll survive this too. But MAN am I tired of being strong! Give me weak and easy, I'd be cool with that for now!

Bono's Birthday is today! My favorite band. This is my favorite song from them; if I had to pick a song that accurately represents me, this is it.
It's called Summer Rain.

It's not this bad, I just really really love this blog and she's just gone through some bad times: MAKE SURE you read at least one other thing besides the "Adventures in Depression" posts! I like the Dog one. Hyperbole and a Half

This has been a crazy week. Lots of good, one really bad. In that I lost my job. I don't really get the details, basically they waited until I was no longer on FMLA even though I tried to get back to work before it was out, and then said since I was no longer on FMLA they were letting me go. My therapists and doctors filled out a lot of paperwork for them, all saying I can go back. HR kept coming up with weird next steps that I had to do, which I now see were probably stalling tactics. YES I'm confident I can do the job now, I honestly don't know what the problem is. I'm healed enough that I'm confident that I could even do surgery. I wish I had the opportunity to show them I'm okay now, I miss it. But I don't know where to go from here.

SO what to do?? Honestly, I'm scared, and hurt, and incredibly sad. It's the icing on the cake for me, everything I built has come crashing down. I wanted to be a vet all my life - since I was seven years old - and I can't even afford working in private practice because of my mega student loans. Can't leave the state easily because I have a kid with aforementioned ex-husband, and of course I'm still healing from this broken neck business.
I read something on Facebook recently that said something to the effect of if you don't believe it will be okay, you don't trust life enough. It's true, I don't, and I have a hard time trusting it will be okay.
Nic said if it's not working to trust God right now, trust in how strong I am. That helps.
My awesomest friend Jess said there are 2 type of people, those that are good at adapting and blending in and going along with things, and those that are determined to get what they want. The world needs both types. Her analogy was that if we were stranded on a desert island she would be the type that blends in with the natives and became part of their culture, and I would be the type to build a boat and find a way to get back where I wanted to be. That's how she knows I'm going to be okay. I think Nic is the 1st type too, along with her. It works. My life is still together because of him.

Jess & Me

So I need a job. For reals this time. Even if it's a new profession. I want to work.

ON to the good things!!!

I'm 99% walking with a cane now! It doesn't help me walk correctly but it does help with my balance. And is sooo much more easy to carry around! And hug people! And shoo away pets and children and things! Hooray!
500y swimming this week! If ya think that's tough, try doing it as a paraplegic! Gogglesss! ;) (I forgot them)
Follow my progress! NOLA RnR 2014 Training Log

I attended the 1st time trial of the season by Precision Bikes. I sucked at cycling when I started racing, but this was always a fun time even though I came in last! It Was Great; I met quite a few people there. The awesome chiropractor Keith Terro, Ruud Vuijsters the PT, badass Jamie Scott whom came to visit me in the hospital (I don't really remember!,) and equally badass Aimee Copeland that had done my x-rays (I also don't remember). Also there was Stanley Lerille (vote for him HERE to go to Kona!) and Scott Coco that I met when I was still in a wheelchair, and Amanda Cole whom I just bought some cycling stuff from the day before, my first since getting mashed up, Mark Miller of course,and a TON of other people.You should come out next time - the Corner Bar ya'll!

Nic's sister Laura Zaunbrecher & her boyfriend Charles Garabedian went to see Frank Shorter talk. They got him to sign this great picture of us at the finish line! Frank Shorter had cheered us on and handed me my walker. SO stoked about it!!

BikeLafayette's Jen Steele and I were on KATC promoting  the "Ride of Silence,"  a world-wide event that honors cyclists that were hit or killed on roadways. I'm one of the honorees this year, along with other really great people. May 15th 7PM at the Mickey Shunick Ghost Bike memorial!!

Have a happy weekend! Go listen to some U2!

FREEday Update!

What a Week! Our Heroine is Not back at work yet, she STILL is stayed by paperwork red tape! She Was, However, okayed to drive! She says, "Just Locally, but MAN will that help! This week proved she can take care of Snakebyte all on her own again, she can Accomplish independency in life, and is Well on the road to feeling like her Old Self again. Not to mention, Walking! From Facebook: "Totally, Our Heroine walked in therapy. No cane, nothin. She says, this Does Not mean she'll be able to do it consistently for even maybe Months, but it Does Foreshadow being able to do it consistently in even maybe Months."(The scribe meant Today instead of Totally!)

With this comes Internal Struggles. She says, "I AM extremely lucky, blessed, and All of it; it could have been so much worse! I keep feeling I should have been Dead or Hurt Worse, like I'm a walking miracle, and that's so so tough because I've met SO many people that will never have the opportunities I do. (And it's True; a Broken Neck would have been a death sentence without modern Medicine!)
"BUT this is where the hard part comes in. In order to move forward, I can't let all this define Me. The sadness of Other People's plights should not stop me from Moving Ahead with recovery. I cannot get "Used" to being disabled and start identifying myself That Way.
"Life could have been Worse for me. It is Time to Accept that, and Move On."

The Devil's Courthouse, North Carolina

Up there is where I first told Nic I loved him!

Life ain't just great for me. I have to drive with my left leg, probably for a while to come. I can't type with all the fingers on my right hand because of tendonesis. Pianoing is hard because of this too. I still have a very diminished sense of feeling in the lower half of my body. My legs are Always tight and pulling and crawling - I wonder if they'll ever relax! I don't know if my blood pressure or heart rate will ever be where I can race again (this point is hard; I'm determined it will though it's something I can't control!) I am definitely sweating again, and I'm going  to pretend that it will be to a point where I can thermoregulate.
Actually I'm determined to get ALL of it back. This is scary, what if it doesn't happen? There are things I can't control. I right now for me have to believe I'll get that back too. Quickly. This year. It's so easy to think that I shouldn't but I guess that doesn't really matter. Like any injury, some people can be crippled for life by an incredibly close or similar injury than someone who can be completely normal again. I have an Incredible amount of challenges, some people I know had barely any. Many had so many more. So I fall in between.
HA I'm struggling with this so much! I guess because I feel guilty and scared all at the same  time.

Meanwhile, balancing as much as I can! Falling because my therapist says it's teaching my ankle to balance. Learning how to work with diminished senses. Strengthening. Living.

Tiny Speckled Kingsnake at my house yesterday!

Friday's Update Spectacular!

Me: I'm soooo sensitive to ambient temperature! I wonder what people did a long time ago before air conditioning when they broke their necks. Oh, that's right, they died!

Nic: Yeah, life was much simpler back then.

Me: Sigh. Things are quite complicated in this day and age.

In the news:

Drugs-down to 25mg baclofen a day, and that does it for prescriptions! I was on 7+ types of meds so this is fantastic. Baclofen is an anti-spasmodic that I'm slowly weaning down. Spasms, by true definition, are created by disruptions in the spinal cord. Related to the hypertonicity of my leg, it happens when the muscle tries to talk to the brain via the spinal cord, and the message is all garbled, making  the muscle twitch or contract in various ways. There's a possibility I'll need it long-term, but it's really a small possibility, and way more likely I never needed it in the first place! Baclofen just never seemed to work for me. It doesn't cause any side effects really, I just don't want to be on meds if I don't need them. My spasms are considerably better; now they're tiny and just a bit annoying every once in a while.
Spasms are hard for me to talk about because they can be debilitating, they can progressively get worse, and many people have them and they never ever ever go away. I'm just hopeful mine will since I'm so highly functioning. But I'm getting sad and fearful just typing about it.
Luckily I haven't had ANY pain since the first few weeks of hospitalization, and I haven't needed pain meds at all this year!

Work-well...this week? The only thing holding me up is honestly redundant superfluous paperwork. Incredibly frustrating. I'm losing hundreds of dollars a day because of it.

Taxes-done! almost ;)

Bike court-I was all prepared to defend myself, it was a no-brainer really and after reading  the laws it was very clear to me that I was in no way in the wrong. THEN I happened to know a lawyer who was there for other cases, who is also a runner/triathlete, who discussed my case with the judge and had my tickets cleared! Woohoo! Not that I wouldn't have won it on my own but it was a big weight off my shoulders. Also there was Ben Broussard, who's family, if you remember, took the video of Nic and me crossing the finish line. Completely ran into him by chance. I love this place!

This is the video, how awesome Ben & Family! Whoa, Really loud!

Driving-soon I hope!

Therapy-FaBuLoUs!! Finally got to try the e-stim machine that would help my hams overcome my quads, but it didn't work very well for me after all. MAINLY because I've improved so much over the last couple of weeks that it was obsolete! It's not perfect, but my quads are really starting to calm down. Things are looking totally up! No One Knows, I may never get better past this point, but I'm expected to make a 95%+ recovery. I say 100%.
My hand is also getting better! I can shake hands again now - this is big! - and my strength and function is returning. SLOW but definite progress. I get frustrated but Simonne my OT can always show me where I've made progress even if I can't see it myself.

Geaux Run rocks. You should check them out.

Geaux Run Link

FestiVELO-Laffy's 1st Bike Festival was last Sunday, and a huge success! It's "Bike To Work" week this week. I'm incredibly hopeful for the cycling future here!

Lastly, I'm part of another blog if you haven't checked it out already, with two other women that battle life-threatening lifestyle changes. We're all the same age, all are mothers, and all stay healthy despite our challenges! Here's the link:

Cajun Titanium

A Month of Friday Updates

WoW, it's been a whole month now! Well, there's been some real improvement this week. And some realizations. And some not so great things.

Original drawing. Hey I'm a scientist not a graphic designer! At least it's in the correct rainbow order!

I can now bend my knee ever so slightly when walking, enough to where if I take the time to relax my hip, I can make my right foot heelstrike instead of sliding it. I can *almost* even consistently get it to do it when I'm walking up stairs. I think it's due to a combination of my hamstrings getting stronger and my quads not over-firing quite as much. The downside to this is that my quads are still super weak, which has been masked by the muscle firing all the time, so it wears out quicker!  But dang I don't care I'm just glad it's getting better.

My hands are the worse right now. Of course they need to be functional. But I hate strengthening them.  I can strengthen the flexors. The extensors are not improving.. Not sure if that nerve will heal. Flexing the wrist helps function. This habit is called "tendonesis." My fingers are struggling hard.  All this makes my hands look bad. It is my look's defining factor. No matter how much I do for the rest of my body it severely jars the way I look.

I have this brace now that I wear at night to keep my fingers extended, and Simonne my OT also taped my fingers in the extended position to facilitate them to stay extended. The hope is the muscles stay stretched enough that they don't become permanently curled. I've got to pretend right now this is the case.

ANHIDROSIS is becoming the bane of my existence. My feet getting a little sweaty isn't enough to keep me cool in this south Louisiana heat, and I overheat really quickly. I still haven't found any trustworthy information on how to handle it soooo we'll see, guess I'll figure it out! Sucks, because the cold makes my muscles not work and the heat makes them get  too hot. Nic suggested we move to Hawaii where it's always temperate, ha!
I also was going to do this mile walk for Autism tomorrow, but the cut-off is 45 min/or so, and I couldn't even do half that in 50 min, so I guess it'll have to wait. But yeah yeah I walkered about 0.5 miles so that's a new accomplishment! And I timed Snakebyte running a mile while I was doing it - 11:32! And not even winded ;)

Random view over my house

In other news, I'm going to start swimming again! There's a free program here in Laffy that the Paratriathlon people found that helps people get in the pool. I guess mainly older people with arthritis are the ones that take the most advantage of it but I'll take what I can get! I'm having 2nd thoughts about Paratriathlon; for one there's no trainers it seems here after all and that's really what I was hoping for, and for two I don't seem to fit clearly in any of their categories. So we'll see.

Oh, I practiced driving & it went pretty great, woohoo! My right ankle's not quite strong enough yet, but driving with my left foot is just fine.

Lastly, I have been given the opportunity to give a talk at the Tri-Cajuns meeting on Monday, so I'm totally stoked about that! Luckily I'm dating a public speaking professor ;)

Check out paragraph 3's haikuish 5/7/5. Have an awesome Friday!

It's Friday, It's Friday! - Is that how that song goes?

Wheelchair ain't getting much use from me lately  But don't feel sorry for it, I think it's met it's higher purpose & is WAY happier:

Picture is coming! You'll have to wait, so sorry!

My knee of course is still not bending which is severely limiting my walking. One of my new exercises is lying on my back in bed with my knees draped over the side. I then kick my legs out, then allowing them passively to come back to rest against the side of the bed. I KNOW this sounds easy, & it is, but since my rectus is constantly firing (I'll introduce you to another word, "hypertonicitty" - too much tone in that muscle) my right leg doesn't drop down as it should. So I do it a lot a lot a lot, again a way to get my brain to override what's happening in the spinal cord (mind over matter so to speak, ha!) It IS getting better, but Wulf says at the rate it's going it will  be 2 years before I can run again and that's just not acceptable, so we'll keep trying different things. This is why I like Helping Hands; they're focused on helping me meet MY goals, which are way more than just being able to get out of the wheelchair.

I'm playing around with a cane now, but only inside the house while Nic is close by. I had this incredibly irrational fear of falling since I started becoming mobile,, even in the wheelchair! Nic would hit a bump or something and I would Freak Out. I guess because I wasn't even strong enough to catch myself. Now that's gone which I guess is good, except I'm prone to take too many chances. I'm having to rein myself in, but I just *feel* like I can walk now, so I constantly forget to hold onto things,. But whatevs, just have to make sure I keep myself safe! No changes in my hand, which is actually the main reason I have to hold back; my reflexes to grab something or catch myself are not working as they need  to be.

Random shot of Reb & Finn

Photo credit: Drew Shawver!

I visited my job yesterday & we're all ready for me to come back to work, hooray! This is amazingly fantastic news; I haven't lost my job & they're going to work with me! They've been Awesome about staying up to date with me & assuring me that I'm not going to get discharged if at all possible. I still have an incredible amount of bills etc but this is a big worry off my mind. I actually need to stress this more HOLY CRAP I NEED MONEY! But it's one more step towards my life becoming normal again. I'm NOT looking forward to the long drive every day & I'm sure I'll be exhausted, but this is way better than not being able to go back.  Maybe the first week of April, or maybe a bit after depending on if social security kicks in. And I'm definitely going to still be in therapy!

Oh, and my left foot started sweating, hooray! *Maybe* my right one too, we'll see. I don't know if I'll ever be able to sweat enough to thermoregulate, but I'm hopeful.

So with this spinal cord injury (and probably everything in life) there's the good, the bad, and  the ugly. And  though I'm fortunate because my good has been Really good lately, I'd be remiss not to tell you about the bad and the ugly. For it's part of me and everything I'm going through. Yet I don't want to, it's hard and embarrassing to admit. but it wouldn't be fair to make this a fairy-tale story for other people going through this Nor would it be fair for me personally to ignore it; life sucks. BUT I'll save it for next time. Or maybe even the time after. ;)

In case you didn't notice, I started every sentence in that last paragraph using Every Single Coordinating Conjunction. Have an awesome day!

Update Friday!!

I had an appointment with my neurosurgeon Dr. Jason Cormier yesterday; my spine is healed, yay! He's the only one that actually saw my spinal cord and even though he can't know for sure how much damage was done, he's the one that can give the most accurate prognosis. HE says I'll definitely be racing again; I'm not going to jump up and down for joy just yet but it's good news!

I'm 99% out of the wheelchair and mainly using a walker. Wulf gave me a cane to start practicing with. I'm visiting with my job next week so we'll see if I can get back to work!

BUT my hand still has a way to go. Also, my quads still overpower my hamstrings so I still can't bend my right knee trying to walk. I can make it bend at other times, but my quads don't stop firing when I'm weight-bearing. It's getting better but very very slowly. This is because there are inhibition neurons in the spinal cord that shuts the opposing muscle (quads) off when the muscle your trying to get to work (hamstrings) is on. Since I have damage to my spinal cord this is not working properly and unfortunately there is no real "fix." It may heal.

Rectus femoris, THE muscle giving me all the issues!

One thing I'm trying is to overcome it cognitively; getting my brain to convince my nerves to bypass the problem and function correctly. I'm dong this by challenging my brain by pushing my body's limits. For example, I stand on my right leg, try to balance, and only catch myself after I begin falling. Nic has to be here at all times to catch me. It's scary! I don't have proprioception (knowing where your limb is in space) in my right ankle so balancing is not working. But I keep trying!

Balancing, balancing, balancing...

This is such a bad picture of me! Oh well, get used to bad pics :)

Another thing I'm trying is this machine that hooks up electrodes to my quads & hamstrings to help them fire at the right times. Wulf says if it works I need to buy the machine, which will be thousands of dollars. Ugh. He says he knows it's going to be expensive but it might be what finally allows me to actively bend my leg. If it doesn't work, he's going to recommend me to a place that has a special machine. It supports your body weight in a harness while you walk on a treadmill, and I will need to do 5x/week for 2-3 weeks. He's Determined for this knee to bend! I'm skeptical, but hopeful.

In other news in my life, well it always seems to be something, ha! This time there was a glitch about me getting paid, and though my awesome employer is fixing it I have all kinds of overdraft fees! Dang. Also the legal visitation case continues with my ex...sigh. Have a good weekend my friends!

Friday!!

HA, Fridays don't mean as much to me right now, since I'm not working! But, they DO mean I have therapy at Helping Hands here in Laffy. I love going because I see improvements that I don't necessarily see at home.

I can now grip a 3# weight with my right hand and a 6#er with my left - woohoo! ;) Plus, my PT is an incredibly sarcastic German named Wulf that tends to rub off on the other workers and patients, which makes it a fun place to go to. He's quite good at pinpointing exactly my problem - my worst one is that my right rectus femoris (quads) won't stop firing, making it hard for my weak hamstrings to overcome to bend my knee. This is caused by the spinal cord injury, as the rectus keeps trying to talk to my brain via my spinal cord, but the message gets all garbled due to the injury. Therefore he has me skateboarding for at least an hour a day! Well, I sit at the computer or read a book or whatever, and put the skateboard under my right foot, and roll it back and forth and back and forth. This repetitive motion helps my hamstrings gain strength and eventually overcome the quads some.

My OT Simonne focuses on my upper body, so basically my shoulders and arms. Seems that I'm going to get out of here with a better posture than I had before! My shoulders get a lot of knots in them from a similar process as my quads, but I can stretch them out. My triceps and pecs are tight which is typical for the location of my injury. My hands are incredibly weak and my flexors are getting stronger than my extensors, which gives me "claw hands" that are also typical of para (tetra) palegics. My left extensors are getting strong enough to overcome that, so that hand's still weak but healing at a good rate. This is not true of my right though, so we're doing electrical stimulation on that one to help it out. I also wear a brace on it to keep the fingers extended, and stretch all the extensors in my arm out to help. Until that nerve heals though, I may never get it back to normal.

We're interviewing tentatively with a local tv station after that, and Snakebyte has his first soccer practice of the year, hooray! First game tomorrow.